Stage 6: Rejuvenation

Before coming to Maryland, I never realized how much I love staring at a full moon: the glow against the dark night sky. The other night, after I got done doing a couple days worth of dishes, a load of laundry, and gave Joe his pills; I walked towards our bedroom and I saw a full moon perfectly centered in the middle of our window. I froze and stared out my window like I did when I was young and dreamed of being an astronaut. My mind went completely blank. I stopped thinking about the chaos that had become my life.

 Peace.

 The days before I stared at the moon, I felt stuck in the dark. I was physically here, but my mind was in a thousand different places. Am I doing a good job? Am I the best person for Joe right now? Will I be able to last? Can I do this? Those are few of the many questions that crossed my mind. There were moments where I just sat. I did absolutely nothing, but sit on my a** is my uncomfortable chair in the living room and try to wrap my head around everything that was happening.

This situation has changed both Joe and I in more ways that I can describe. We had been apart for so long that living with each other has had awkward moments and often times feel like we are at the dating stage all over again. I sometimes feel like I am living and in love with a complete stranger. We are able to communicate with each other face to face rather than over Facebook or Skype, which has been our life over the past year. Now, I can feel his skin against mine, I can run my hand through his hair, I can hear his heart beat when I lay my head on his chest, but what the war has sent back to me hasn’t quite become my Joe yet. Before I stared at the moon that night, I had the thought in the back of my mind that he wasn’t going to come back to me…ever.

Over the next couple days, signs of him coming back started happening. He started asking for kisses, when I hugged him he hugged me back, he thanked me for bringing him a ginger ale. The lines of communication are reappearing in our lives. We have been laughing and joking with each other like we used to when we were love-stuck 17 year olds.

Everything was slowly starting to come back, but there are moments when it looks like we are going to fall apart again and that distant stranger will be back in my life. I would freak out when that fear of the stranger struck my body and I would dart my head in every direction for an escape route like a bird. I would walk away from him and he would usually stay outside for a minute. I know it was completely wrong of me, but I was in completely flight mode. I flew away. I just wanted to run far, far away from everything. I was so ashamed by the time I got back to the apartment that I would just sit on the couch and wait for him to get back with my head hung like a puppy that just made a mess. When he would get back, I would be silent with my tail between my legs and not say anything to him, afraid that I would invite the stranger back into my life.  The awkward silence would pass when either her or I would comment on the stupidity of the people on whatever TV show was on at the moment and the fear of the stranger coming back would start to fade away.  

The happiest moment of my life: the first time seeing him in 2 years. 

I know most have you have seen the movie The Notebook. Now, I don’t want to say that Joe and I’s relationship is exactly like that of Ali and Noah’s in the story, but we have similarities. We fight all the time about stupid stuff. We are pretty much inseparable. We love each other with all our hearts. We were separated unwillingly by uncontrollable reasons and found our way back to each other when that never seemed possible. You know the part where Ali is in the nursing home because of her Alzheimer’s and how Noah stands by her side even though he really has nothing wrong with him? Well, I am just a woman sticking by my man’s side even though he sometimes is a complete stranger to me because he is my home and heart.

“That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.”

–Noah, from The Notebook

I have to remind myself that he is in there still; I am just working on getting him out and trying my best to get him physically fixed. We got him out of the immobilizer this week and are starting to get bend back into his left leg, which is a total relief. He is gaining more degrees in bend in his right leg every day and has been told in about a month, he will be able to start bearing weight on his legs and begin the process of learning how to walk again.

The moon is now my sign rejuvenation. Its glow shows me that even though things look hopeless, there is light that breaks through the dark.

Stage 6 in the Journey of Unexpecting the Unexpected.