Stage 10: Sweet Revenge

         Not many songs bring me to tears, but when I first heard Carrie Underwood’s album title song, Blown Away, I was crying like a little girl. The emotion she portrays and delivers is phenomenal. The story line of the song is about a girl who is caught in a devastating storm. She leaves her father, an abusive and alcoholic man, passed out on the couch to receive his sweet revenge and be taken by the storm. The song not only makes me grateful to be part of such a loving and caring home, but also makes me realize that my life isn’t really all that bad. I’ve gone through my share of shit, but at the end of the day I am still breathing and alive.

            I feel that I have grown more in the past month that I have in my entire 21 years on this Earth. I am more confident in myself than I have ever been. Why does something so heartbreaking eventually make someone more confident and stronger? Does it take pain, suffering, and heartbreak to build a backbone? Like the girl in Carrie’s song, nobody knows what she went through, but she had the courage to let the person that hurt her so be consumed by a storm.  The scars of my past are going to remain with me forever, why should I fight the fact they are going nowhere? Now, I am not considering myself to be a bitchy or stuck-up person now, but I know what to look for now and I finally know what I want. Fortunately for me, those that had the dumb, naïve, and innocent Hillary created a woman that a man actually has to work for. Having confidence in an invigorating thing, I don’t feel like I have to just go with something because someone told me to. I am walking with pride and not fear of messing up or disappointing someone. I don’t feel like everything is my fault anymore. I am finally allowing myself to live by my own rules instead of everyone else’s.

            What is a better way to deliver sweet revenge than by being happy? People have tried to keep me down, blame me for things that were never my fault, and made me feel worthless. My smile faded, but it came back. I forgot how to laugh, but it came back. I have finally become Hillary. Those that hurt me in end have helped me. Their goal was to make me feel shitty and they did, but they didn’t keep me down for long.

I have finally moved pass my “every man is an asshole stage”. Of course, there are the assholes out there, but I don’t have to deal with their shit if I don’t want to. I used to think that, “ well, they treat me a bad and make me feel terrible about myself, but they really are a good person inside.” WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! This ain’t no Beauty and the Beast shit. If a guy is an asshole, he’s an asshole, that’s the end of the story; love, devotion, and hope aren’t going to get him out of his beastly outer coat. Why Disney created such a terrible story line for little girls to this day confuses and frankly pisses me off. Trust me Walt, I waited around and went through hell for multiple guys to shake off being a beast and guess what…. I was fucked over by every single one of them.

Not every man out there is an asshole. I have had the privilege of meeting one of those fair few that actually has a beating heart in his chest. Someone that actually asks me how I’m doing and what I enjoy to do in my off time: someone that is actually interested in me and not just my tits and ass. At first, I was terrified of him. Thoughts like, “What does this guy want? He is way too nice. Is this some sort of game? Why has this dude not tried getting frisky with me yet?” went through my mind. I thought he had some sort of hidden agenda in the back of his mind. I was completely confused. Then after a while I started to think,” Maybe this person actually likes me. Maybe this is how it has supposed to be. Maybe I finally caught a keeper.” I’m going to take this one differently, I am going to actually take my parent’s advice and go slow; I am done rushing only to fall. Something this good doesn’t happen all the time. The best thing about this guy is that I wasn’t looking. I was still in “every dude is an asshole” stage and he is one of the reasons why I got out of it. Along with this whole growing a backbone part of my life, I have also realized that I am more than a piece of ass. It is entirely possible for a guy to actually like who you are and not what is in your pants. It was an amazing to finally grasp that! Don’t ask me why it took so long for me to finally realize that, but better late than never right? After being treated as such for so long, I began to believe it. A good ass falling finally got me in my place and knocked some sense into my brain.

When I tell my stories to people, they always say, “ I am so sorry”.  From now on, I’m going to tell them to not feel sorry for me, but to feel sorry for them.

Stage 10 in the Journey of Unexpecting the Unexpected.

P.S: I totally watched Beauty and the Beast after I finished this post…

Stage 9: The End…. Or The Beginning?

           Sorry for taking such a long break between posts, but after this you will all hopefully understand.

            As many of you probably already know, Joe and I’s relationship ended in April. Since then I have moved back to Sitka and am starting my life all over again. If you are looking for the saucy details this is not the place.

He remembered his momma :) 

            I am not going to lie when I say that I saw an end coming to Joe and my relationship and I am fairly certain that he would say the same thing. I will also not lie by saying that I wanted to go crazy country female singer and take my Louisville slugger to his headlights, but I contained myself and steered clear of getting a criminal record to my name. The one person I can thank the most for helping contain myself is my second mother, GeeGee. This woman took me under her wing when I needed it the most. The first thing she told me before asking for the details on the break-up was, “ well honey, God has a plan for you. You don’t know what it is right now and things suck, but he does. You just have to wait and see.”  She defiantly put me in my place and made sure the crazy ex-girlfriend didn’t come out thankfully.

            Things weren’t perfect and I didn’t go on with my life instantaneously after the break up. My best friend was alcohol for a solid week. I hardly ate and it is safe to say that I probably would have been put on some sort of pill if I sought mental help.

            It wasn’t the end of my engagement to Joe that was so upsetting to me, but the fact that my life had taken a clean slate. It was the fact that I was going home without my job or my car. It was that I didn’t know how to function in a family environment after being away in such a secluded area. It was that I didn’t know if my dog would remember who I was. I was going home because I had nowhere else to go, what was left of my entire life disappeared in the matter of four words, “things aren’t working out.” I had lost everything, my fiancé, my job, my car, basically my entire life.

With every new start comes a new hair cut :) 

            I was left with wondering. Wondering what would be home when I got back. Wondering if I would be as successful was I was before I left. Wondering if I would be ok. A clean slate is something that most would look forward to, for me, it scared the absolute sh** out of me. My slate was fine. I was on the road to being successful and independent before all this happened.

            My first couple weeks at home, I honestly  don’t remember. Most of my days were spent sleeping. I managed to gain the weight I had lost and am trying to contain myself from gaining too much weight. I hated men, all men, even the ones that treated me nicely. I would see a man that I have known my whole life and in my mind would say, “you seem nice on the outside, but really you’re an a**hole.” I am trying to come across as not being bitter, but I that is the best term for me at the time. When I would wallow in my sorrow, I would remember what GeeGee told me in that God has a plan for me. Life may absolutely suck right now, but He has some plan for me and waiting it out is the hardest thing that I am facing. I am trying to remind myself that my break-up wasn’t the end of my life; it is only my new beginning.

Stage 9 in the Journey of Unexpecting the Unexpected.