Not many
songs bring me to tears, but when I first heard Carrie Underwood’s album title
song, Blown Away, I was crying like a
little girl. The emotion she portrays and delivers is phenomenal. The story
line of the song is about a girl who is caught in a devastating storm. She
leaves her father, an abusive and alcoholic man, passed out on the couch to
receive his sweet revenge and be taken by the storm. The song not only makes me
grateful to be part of such a loving and caring home, but also makes me realize
that my life isn’t really all that bad. I’ve gone through my share of shit, but
at the end of the day I am still breathing and alive.
I feel that
I have grown more in the past month that I have in my entire 21 years on this
Earth. I am more confident in myself than I have ever been. Why does something
so heartbreaking eventually make someone more confident and stronger? Does it
take pain, suffering, and heartbreak to build a backbone? Like the girl in
Carrie’s song, nobody knows what she went through, but she had the courage to
let the person that hurt her so be consumed by a storm. The scars of my past are going to remain with
me forever, why should I fight the fact they are going nowhere? Now, I am not
considering myself to be a bitchy or stuck-up person now, but I know what to
look for now and I finally know what I want. Fortunately for me, those that had
the dumb, naïve, and innocent Hillary created a woman that a man actually has
to work for. Having confidence in an invigorating thing, I don’t feel like I
have to just go with something because someone told me to. I am walking with
pride and not fear of messing up or disappointing someone. I don’t feel like
everything is my fault anymore. I am finally allowing myself to live by my own
rules instead of everyone else’s.
What is a
better way to deliver sweet revenge than by being happy? People have tried to
keep me down, blame me for things that were never my fault, and made me feel
worthless. My smile faded, but it came back. I forgot how to laugh, but it came
back. I have finally become Hillary. Those that hurt me in end have helped me. Their
goal was to make me feel shitty and they did, but they didn’t keep me down for
long.
I have finally moved pass my “every
man is an asshole stage”. Of course, there are the assholes out there, but I
don’t have to deal with their shit if I don’t want to. I used to think that, “
well, they treat me a bad and make me feel terrible about myself, but they
really are a good person inside.” WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! This ain’t no
Beauty and the Beast shit. If a guy is an asshole, he’s an asshole, that’s the
end of the story; love, devotion, and hope aren’t going to get him out of his
beastly outer coat. Why Disney created such a terrible story line for little
girls to this day confuses and frankly pisses me off. Trust me Walt, I waited
around and went through hell for multiple guys to shake off being a beast and
guess what…. I was fucked over by every single one of them.
Not every man out there is an
asshole. I have had the privilege of meeting one of those fair few that
actually has a beating heart in his chest. Someone that actually asks me how
I’m doing and what I enjoy to do in my off time: someone that is actually
interested in me and not just my tits and ass. At first, I was terrified of him.
Thoughts like, “What does this guy want? He is way too nice. Is this some sort
of game? Why has this dude not tried getting frisky with me yet?” went through
my mind. I thought he had some sort of hidden agenda in the back of his mind. I
was completely confused. Then after a while I started to think,” Maybe this
person actually likes me. Maybe this is how it has supposed to be. Maybe I
finally caught a keeper.” I’m going to take this one differently, I am going to
actually take my parent’s advice and go slow; I am done rushing only to fall. Something this good doesn’t
happen all the time. The best thing about this guy is that I wasn’t looking. I
was still in “every dude is an asshole” stage and he is one of the reasons why
I got out of it. Along with this whole growing a backbone part of my life, I
have also realized that I am more than a piece of ass. It is entirely possible
for a guy to actually like who you are and not what is in your pants. It was an
amazing to finally grasp that! Don’t ask me why it took so long for me to finally
realize that, but better late than never right? After being treated as such for
so long, I began to believe it. A good ass falling finally got me in my place
and knocked some sense into my brain.
When I tell my stories to people,
they always say, “ I am so sorry”. From
now on, I’m going to tell them to not feel sorry for me, but to feel sorry for
them.
Stage 10 in the Journey of
Unexpecting the Unexpected.
P.S: I totally watched Beauty and the Beast after I finished
this post…
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