Stage 9: The End…. Or The Beginning?

           Sorry for taking such a long break between posts, but after this you will all hopefully understand.

            As many of you probably already know, Joe and I’s relationship ended in April. Since then I have moved back to Sitka and am starting my life all over again. If you are looking for the saucy details this is not the place.

He remembered his momma :) 

            I am not going to lie when I say that I saw an end coming to Joe and my relationship and I am fairly certain that he would say the same thing. I will also not lie by saying that I wanted to go crazy country female singer and take my Louisville slugger to his headlights, but I contained myself and steered clear of getting a criminal record to my name. The one person I can thank the most for helping contain myself is my second mother, GeeGee. This woman took me under her wing when I needed it the most. The first thing she told me before asking for the details on the break-up was, “ well honey, God has a plan for you. You don’t know what it is right now and things suck, but he does. You just have to wait and see.”  She defiantly put me in my place and made sure the crazy ex-girlfriend didn’t come out thankfully.

            Things weren’t perfect and I didn’t go on with my life instantaneously after the break up. My best friend was alcohol for a solid week. I hardly ate and it is safe to say that I probably would have been put on some sort of pill if I sought mental help.

            It wasn’t the end of my engagement to Joe that was so upsetting to me, but the fact that my life had taken a clean slate. It was the fact that I was going home without my job or my car. It was that I didn’t know how to function in a family environment after being away in such a secluded area. It was that I didn’t know if my dog would remember who I was. I was going home because I had nowhere else to go, what was left of my entire life disappeared in the matter of four words, “things aren’t working out.” I had lost everything, my fiancé, my job, my car, basically my entire life.

With every new start comes a new hair cut :) 

            I was left with wondering. Wondering what would be home when I got back. Wondering if I would be as successful was I was before I left. Wondering if I would be ok. A clean slate is something that most would look forward to, for me, it scared the absolute sh** out of me. My slate was fine. I was on the road to being successful and independent before all this happened.

            My first couple weeks at home, I honestly  don’t remember. Most of my days were spent sleeping. I managed to gain the weight I had lost and am trying to contain myself from gaining too much weight. I hated men, all men, even the ones that treated me nicely. I would see a man that I have known my whole life and in my mind would say, “you seem nice on the outside, but really you’re an a**hole.” I am trying to come across as not being bitter, but I that is the best term for me at the time. When I would wallow in my sorrow, I would remember what GeeGee told me in that God has a plan for me. Life may absolutely suck right now, but He has some plan for me and waiting it out is the hardest thing that I am facing. I am trying to remind myself that my break-up wasn’t the end of my life; it is only my new beginning.

Stage 9 in the Journey of Unexpecting the Unexpected.